


A Cat Parade Through Valhalla At Midnight

by supercasey



Series: Red Vs. Blue One-Shots [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Cats, F/M, Halo - Freeform, Happened somehow, Kittens, Might Be Crack?, Pets, Red vs Blue - Freeform, slight romance, washington the crazy cat lady
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-11
Updated: 2014-01-11
Packaged: 2018-01-08 09:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1131013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercasey/pseuds/supercasey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Slight AU. Ever since the Blue Team allowed Agent Washington to join... things have been more or less, odd. First of all, they keep hearing him get up in the middle of night, leave the base at the oddest hours, then return at the crack of dawn. When Church, Caboose and Tucker follow him out one night, they're shocked at what they find. AU in which Church never was able to enter the Epsilon Unit after Tex went in, will mention her in story maybe. I keep hearing a certain headcanon (If you've read the tags then you probably know which one it is) and I couldn't help but really want to write this. PS, might mention this fic in later fics. Please comment, might mention in later fics! One-Shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Cat Parade Through Valhalla At Midnight

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of this image: http://jspx.deviantart.com/art/RVB-DUMP-2012-13-378079330 (At least the one with Washington and his cats).

To say that the Blue Team hardly knew Agent Washington was an understatement, sure, he seemed like a decent guy and all, but really, none of the members really knew him very well. In all of the time Church, Tucker and Caboose had known the man, they had never figured out much about him besides minor facts like his name being David. Agent Washington had short, blonde hair and grey blue eyes, but other then that, no one knew anything about him. As time went on, Washington finally changed his armor color to match Church's in order to avoid re-capture from Command. The plan was simple for now, until Command was fully convinced that Agent Washington was dead and that the Epsilon Unit really held the Alpha in it, Washington would be sticking around.

At first, things had been a bit awkward, especially with how Washington had, numerous times, tried to kill all of them in an attempt to get Epsilon to Command, but now, everyone was beginning to tone it down and get used to the older man being around. But one night... everything seemed to take a rather odd turn. It had been about two in the morning when Church had awoken from a nightmare of Tex dying over and over again in front of him, needing some time to think, he had decided to simply waltz around Blue Base in hopes of clearing his mind. However, when he entered the large kitchen that the team shared, he was surprised to see Washington taking a huge jug of milk out of the fridge. Be warned, by now, everyone knew how horrible of a liar Washington was.

"Hey, Wash." Church greeted as he entered the room, brushing a hand through his jet black hair. "What are you doing up?"

Washington froze, giving Church a nervous glance as he turned around, still holding the milk. "Um... nothing out of the ordinary, what are you doing up?"

Church shrugged, leaning on a counter top. "Needed some time to think... another Epsilon dream."

Washington nodded in understanding. "Yeah, I have those all the time... that's totally why I'm up, to get a drink."

"You're going to drink that entire jug of milk?" Church questioned, crossing his arms as he smirked at Washington. "I doubt it."

Washington looked nervous, giving Church a few glances before wearing a fake smile. "Um... yes, that's what I'm doing, drinking out of the jug. Yeah know... we Freelancers do this all the time." He assured the younger.

"Prove it." Church challenged, still wearing that smirk.

Wash looked ready to run for it, but quickly decided to hold his ground, unscrewing the cap and starting to drink straight out of the damn jug. After only a few minutes, Church decided that that was enough. "Okay okay... fine, do whatever, I'm going back to bed." With that, he saw Wash sigh with relief as he set down the half empty jug... that was gonna hurt soon enough.

"Night." Wash said before taking the jug and disappearing into another room, leaving Church to wonder what he had just seen.

...

It was only three nights later when Tucker had awoken from an odd dream about Junior getting hurt. Feeling uncomfortable, he got out of bed to walk around outside, seeing as the Reds wouldn't be up at this hour to bother him. Walking down the hallway, Tucker suddenly heard a rather loud slam. Thinking that Caboose had broken something or that Church had broken something in an uncontrollable fit of rage, he ran into the living room, only to see Washington picking up what looked like... a spilled bag of cat food? He approached the older man, staring at him with questioning brown eyes.

"Um... what the fuck are you doing up with cat food, Wash?" He asked.

Washington froze, Tucker heard him cuss before he stood at full height, looking extremely nervous. "Oh... hey Tucker, what are you doing up?"

"Watching you spill cat food all over the living room floor." He responded, a smirk on his face. "So, what in the Hell are doing with cat food all the way out here?"

Wash shrugged, looking even more nervous as he tried cleaning up the mess. "Oh, nothing, just... feeding the birds outside." He lied.

"What birds are even out here, and why cat food?" Tucker questioned as he placed his hands on his hips, giving Wash a 'you are so lying' look. "I think you're lying, Wash. So... who's the cat food really for?"

"Doc." Wash said quickly. "He said it could be used as... medicine... so I went in our pantry and found some... cat food." He was looking like he was running out of things to say or lie about. "No idea why we had cat food here... weird huh?"

Tucker still didn't look convinced, but simply shrugged. "Whatever, tell Doc that he still needs to do a check up for Junior when he gets here from the desert." He said, turning away. "Night, Wash."

Washington nodded, looking relieved. "Kay... good night, Tucker."

...

It was that same night that Caboose awoke screaming from a nightmare of O'Malley attacking him again, as well as Lopez marrying Sheila instead of himself. Getting up, Caboose walked the hallways, a blue blanket wrapped around his thin form as he went to the kitchen to get something to eat or drink, only to see Agent Washington washing out an empty milk jug. Seeing him there, Caboose smiled widely, maybe Washington would help him with his troubles?

"Hello, Agent Washington." Caboose greeted as he entered the room, smiling at the older man with innocent, baby blue eyes. "What are you doing awake?"

Wash shrugged, at least with Caboose, he didn't have much to lie about. "I went to the store." He lied simply, not like Caboose would question it very much.

"The store, did you bring me anything?" Caboose asked excitedly.

"Um... no, they only had one jug of milk left... I drank it all on the way home." Washington lied, wearing another fake smile on his face. "But I'll get you something next time, Caboose. What are you doing up."

Caboose frowned at the floor, wiggling his nine remaining toes. "I had a nightmare about O'Malley." He explained.

Wash patted his shoulder, giving the rookie a kind smile. "Its okay, Caboose. O'Malley's gone now, he'll never hurt you again." He promised. "Now then, go to bed. I still have... things to take care of."

"Alright... goodnight, Agent Washington!" Caboose said before skipping off to bed, leaving Washington in peace.

...

It wasn't long until everyone awoke the next morning, only to find Washington still asleep in his bedroom, having gone to bed rather late. "Man, somethings going on with Wash." Church said as all three of the other members sat in the living room, watching TV.

"Yeah, man." Tucker agreed, crossing his arms. "Last night, I found him spilling cat food all over the floor! He insisted that Doc needed it for medicine."

Caboose smiled. "Agent Washington went to the store... he didn't bring me anything but an empty milk jug... he drank it all. I Think Agent Washington is still thirsty." He said excitedly. "We should make him a cake!"

Church sighed. "Shut up, Caboose, I think Wash is hiding something, something big. Can't be in the base though, it wouldn't explain where he keeps going at night."

"And what the fuck is with the cat food?" Tucker asked again, looking at his teammates with questioning, dark brown eyes. "Where'd he even get it from?"

"I say we all follow Wash and find out where he's going." Church suggested happily. "Or... at least me and Tucker, you can stay here tonight, Caboose."

Caboose shook his head, kicking his legs as he sat on the counter in the connected kitchen, drinking apple juice. "I wanna go too! Agent Washington might be on a secretly secret mission! I want to help him... because he is one of my best friends."

Tucker sighed. "Guess he's coming too... think Wash will find out?"

"Not if we ever get that muzzle from Command that I ordered for Caboose." Church muttered.

...

It was midnight when Church, Tucker and Caboose all snuck out of the base in their pajamas. Church was wearing cobalt colored boxers and a blue T-shirt, Tucker was wearing a black T-shirt and black boxers in order to blend into the night better, and Caboose... wore blue footsie pajamas with little, yellow stars on them. Caboose carried a stuffed lamb in his arms along with a blanket, Tucker carried a flashlight and energy sword, and finally, Church carried a flashlight and his sniper rifle. Tucker chuckled from behind Church as they tiptoed towards the caves in the canyon, prompting Church to swing around and glare at his darker skinned friend.

"Something funny, Tucker?" He asked angrily.

Tucker simply grinned at Church. "You took your sniper rifle, your bad enough with that thing in broad daylight, how do you expect to shoot anything at midnight?" He questioned, stopping to cross his arms and smirk at his leader.

Church smirked at Tucker. "Well, now I brought my shitty glasses, so fuck you." With that, the cobalt leader placed his glasses over his eyes, suddenly pausing. "I knew it was dark out... but now I can't see shit."

It took everything in Tucker not to fully breakdown laughing. "Dude, those glasses are such shit at night, that's why I wear contacts!"

"Shut up, Tucker." Church mumbled as he pulled off his glasses, continuing their walk towards the caves, only to hear someone talking inside.

"I hear noises." Caboose whispered as they all hid in a bush a few feet from the caves entrance. "I think people are talking to us."

Church sighed. "Of course people are talking, moron. Wash must be in there... now quiet." With that, all three men were silent (Mostly because Tucker had both of his hands over Caboose's mouth).

From inside, they could easily hear Washington having a conversation with someone. "Aw, that's adorable... yeah, you like that, don't you?" He asked whoever he was with.

Church's brow furrowed. "Hey... is Wash doing it with someone in there?"

"Bow chicka bow wow." Tucker whispered happily.

"Seriously, I think Wash is banging with someone... think its a Red?" Church asked.

Caboose suddenly perked up, a smile on his childish face."Will Agent Washington have a baby?" He asked. "Because Church explained where babies come from, its when a mommy and a daddy-"

"Shut up, Caboose." Church muttered as he pulled out his sniper rifle, but couldn't see anything with the zoom on. "Dammit, I can't see shit in this darkness. Guess we're going in if we can't think of something else."

From inside, more noises could be heard. "Hey there, ACK! That tickles, stop it!" Washington demanded, chuckling softly from whatever was happening inside. "I haven't even given you dinner yet!"

Tucker's eyes widened. "Dude, I think he really IS banging someone in there... think its that Simmons guy?"

Church rolled his emerald colored eyes at that notion. "No way, Simmons is totally with that Grif guy, remember how they came out their base the other day limping and laughing at each other, yeah, they're so together."

"What about Doc?" Tucker suggested. "He DID mention him when he lied to me last night."

"I thought Private Cake was kissing the doctor." Caboose said, frowning from being out of the loop between his best friend and... Tucker.

Church sighed. "Either way, we can't learn anything standing out here... CHARGE!" With that, he hopped out of the bushes, sniper rifle banging in the air as Tucker followed close behind, swinging his sword (You know which one). Caboose followed as well, turning on the nightlight in his lamb for defense.

The whole thing probably would've looked cooler if they all weren't in their boxers and pajamas, but either way, the whole team of Blues charged into the cave, freezing at the sight before them all.

It was clearly Agent Washington, but only in checkered boxers and a white T-shirt. He was staring with very wide eyes at the team as they watched him. He was surrounded by hundreds upon hundreds of cats, some were still little kittens, while some were adults. He had them practically crawling all over him, two were on either of his shoulders, one was on his head and several kittens were in his arms while the rest simply licked him and rubbed their cheeks against him. Church lowered his gun, eyes wide as he placed his glasses on now that there was light (The cave was lit, but Caboose's toy also helped him see). Yep, he wasn't crazy, Washington was still covered in cats.

Tucker seemed disappointed, he obviously had wanted to see something cool, like Wash doing it or something. But sadly, he was wrong. Caboose looked completely excited, cooing at the tiny kittens and cats, a huge smile on his face. No one moved, well, Caboose did, having bent down and started petting and talking to a few tabbies, but Wash, Tucker and Church were completely silent for whatever reason. After what felt like forever, Washington, in all of his shock, had the overwhelming courage to speak up.

"Um... I can explain." Washington said very quietly.

Church sighed, placing the sniper rifle aside as he put his hands on his hips, almost like an upset mother. "What in the Hell even is this? Why didn't you just tell us?"

Wash looked down at his bare feet sadly. "Well... I thought you'd all laugh about it, seeing as none of you really know me that well, I kept it a secret."

"What exactly is, 'it'?" Tucker asked, taking the same stance as Church.

"I... rescue stray cats and kittens. I love cats, I used to have hundreds as a kid, but when I joined the army, it was damn near impossible to get any cats past my fellow soldiers. After I joined the Freelancers, I found out I could keep pets, so I went out and found a stray cat... who was pregnant. But I couldn't bare to give any of the kittens away, so I kept them... then, somehow, this happened. Now I have so many cats, it feels like home again." Washington explained as he pet the kittens in his arm. "Once I moved here, I secretly got The Meta to agree to transport all of my cats here to this cave, seeing as we were here while we had Simmons and Doc prisoner. After we came back, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep them hidden in the base, so I come out here every night to feed and play with them."

Caboose looked so excited, playing with the kittens. "Please Church, can we keep them?" He begged.

Church sighed, looking at the floor as he thought long and hard, trying to figure out what to do or say. Finally, he sighed with defeat, nodding to Washington and Caboose. "Fine, we'll keep them, its not my problem anyway."

Wash's smile couldn't be wider. "Thanks Church, I promise, nothing will change... except now we've got cats!" With that, the Freelancer stood, signaling to all of the cats. "Follow me." He ordered before leaving.

...

At Red Base, everyone awoke with collective screams and yelps as the canyon filled with the sound of gunfire. Sarge was up first, wearing only a white T-shirt and red boxers, he ran outside, shotgun in hand. "Those lousy Blues! They're gonna get it now!" He boomed.

Simmons and Donut also charged out, each armed with guns of their own. "We'll show them, sir!" Simmons promised as he stood beside Sarge in red checkered boxers and a green T-shirt.

Donut was a bit better dressed, wearing a pink, long sleeved pajama top and pink pajama pants to match, his gun was hardly loaded, but he seriously doubted anyone would be up at this hour. "Why would anyone be up at this hour, we need our beauty sleep!" He insisted.

After a few minutes, Grif limped out, a security cone being dragged behind him. "UGH! What time is it?" He asked, yawning loudly.

"Dammit, Grif!" Sarge yelled, pointing his gun at the young soldier. "You're late, we could've been all blown to kingdom come by now!"

Grif merely yawned again, however, his eyes widened as he saw an unbelievable sight. Instead of the Blue Army he had expected to come charging their way, it was Agent Washington strolling right past them from the caves, a long and seemingly endless line of cats of all breeds following from behind him in military fashion. The other Blues were there too, Tucker was filming the reactions of the Red's as well as the cat trail, Caboose was singing some kind of song as he walked with the cats like a Kindergartner, and Church was merely following from the very back, looking ready to fall asleep at any minute. The Red's were dead quiet as they watched, all completely confused by the sight.

"Simmons?" Sarge whispered, sounding completely terrified.

"Yes, sir?" Simmons asked, finally snapping out of it.

Sarge sighed, turning around and heading back into the base. "We are going to die here." He said sadly.

As they passed, Donut spotted Washington. "Hey, Agent Washington, can I take one of these cats?" He asked.

"Any that don't have collars!" Wash yelled back, a smile on his face as his cats followed behind him.

With that, Donut scooped up an orange tabby that didn't have a collar, he smiled, ruffling the kittens fur. "Thanks, Washington!" He yelled. "I'll call you Misty." He decided, walking back into the base with the feline.

Simmons merely sighed, walking back inside to hopefully get himself checked for insanity by Doc tomorrow. Grif stayed behind before turning around, looking completely shocked. "What the fuck did I eat last night?" He asked himself as he left the Blues to do... whatever the fuck they were doing at midnight in Valhalla.

The End.

~Supercasey.

**Author's Note:**

> This was so much to write, and much longer then I had expected! Please comment, it would be awesome! I'm SO mentioning this in later fics I think, just because its hilarious and cute as fuck!
> 
> ~Supercasey.


End file.
